Wednesday, 21 February 2018 11:05

Keeping Love Alive

Written by  Pastor Kemi Searcy
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Selma is like so many people I know: “My marriage is stale. I thought our love would last forever when I met Devon, but now…” Finding love in this love-crazy culture is often easy, but finding real love, staying in love, and keeping that love alive requires hard work, which we  are often reluctant to do.  The passionate, romantic love we desire in our marital relationships, or a dating relationship, means we must be willing to put forth time and energy to give to our boyfriend or spouse what we wish to receive from them.


The famous motivational speaker Dr. Buscaglia said, “What love we’ve given, we’ll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.”  This “Dr. Love” is speaking truth, but I am reminded that the original Love Doctor is God, the inventor of love and marriage. He says that love is kind; it is giving. He gave us the ultimate picture of real love by demonstrating it on the cross. He gave love in order to receive love from us. By His example, we should treat all people, especially our spouses, the same way we want to be treated. If we desire our spouses to dote on us, we must model what we want by first doting on them.


If we interviewed 100 unhappy married women about what constitutes the problems in their marriages, the huge percentage will decry how unaffectionate their spouses are. I know this to be absolute fact because I live and work among women. I have come to know all too well how unhappy most wives are.


Lack of affection is a primary cause as to why many marriages end up in divorce. As young girls, we dream and plan our weddings in our tender imaginations. These images are carried along the course of life to shape and form our belief systems, and the expectations that funnel our desire for affection and intimacy.


We may go into relationships later in life as if we are baby dolls wanting to be held, pampered, and loved. We expect tender hugs and holding hands. We expect our husbands to receive some kind of revelation to stop on their way home from work to bring take-out because we don’t feel like cooking. The problem is that men can’t read our minds. They don’t know what we need if we fail to communicate. 


What we don’t communicate goes unanswered, which creates a void within our souls. We then react to this void based on our feelings, by shutting down. We don’t want to be touched, becoming disrespectful, nagging and debasing our husbands, etc. All of these negative behaviors are rooted in our unmet needs and expectations.


Here are some points to help us revive our love and keep it bursting with passion:


1. Communicate Your Feelings

Let your spouse know how you feel about everything; your expectations and desires, as well as your likes and dislikes. If he does not know what hurts you he is liable to repeat the hurt.  Learn your spouse in the same way. Being open is one of the major keys to harmony. Dangerous assumptions will be made if you don’t communicate. Talk to each other by asking questions, rather than making assumptions. 


2. Restore Your Friendship

Most couples start out as friends, doing activities that friends experience. They chat on the phone for hours at a time, about little or nothing of note. They go to shows, lunches, and dinners.  They love spending time together. They became lovers, but they were friends first. Years after couples say, “I do,” life begins to happen and the first alliance they lose is their friendship. The same couple, who couldn’t hang up the phone when they were miles apart, eventually does not say more than two words to each other when in close proximity. If you find yourself not knowing what to say to your spouse, it is an indication you’ve lost your friendship. You must strive to get it restored.


3. Give Forgiveness Liberally

Offenses will come, but the Bible tells us, “Let not the sun goes down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Settling disagreements quickly is a must in order to forge a healthy marriage


4. Recapture Your Passion

Jesus’ antidote for lost love was to look back to what sparked that passion in the first place, and simply repeat those love actions. Ask yourself, What did I do to fill his love tank?  Be spontaneous. Initiate date nights and love making. Yes, women can be initiators in this territory! Look attractive for your man. Love, laugh, play, and pray together.    


Sisters, enjoy the results of working hard at love, as well as the process along the way!



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